


Dearly departed, I received your love

by no_good_skyla



Category: One Piece
Genre: Character Study, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Implied/Referenced Death in Childbirth, Mental Health Issues, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-29
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-14 22:27:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29053611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/no_good_skyla/pseuds/no_good_skyla
Summary: Ace would be all right.(in which Marco finds Ace thinking alone in the dawn -- a character study)
Relationships: Fushichou Marco | Phoenix Marco & Portgas D. Ace
Comments: 2
Kudos: 23





	Dearly departed, I received your love

**Author's Note:**

> Thoughts on childbirth and life in this fanfic do not reflect my opinions nor are meant to be a debate. I just think that Ace would have had a lot of complex thoughts on his life because of how he was born, and Marco because of his time as a pirate doctor. I also wanted Marco—canonically the man who convinces Ace to embrace a new family and father who loves him—to talk out his doubts with him and re-affirm his right to live (probably one of many times). This is a very self-indulgent character study disguised as a vent fic, but if that’s what you came here for, then please enjoy!
> 
> FYI this happens when Marco is commander but before Ace becomes Second Commander. Doesn’t make a difference if this is before or after Marco knows about Ace’s lineage.
> 
> tw // mentioned deaths during childbirth, discussions of mental health
> 
> Please be safe!

There’s not much to live for when you’re very young and very alone. At least, that’s what Ace thought as he swung his feet back and forth over the railing of the Moby Dick. Attachments were things that took time to form, and they were things that could be severed in an instant…

But then, lots of people like to say your very existence should be worth living for.

In a moment of spontaneity, Ace asked the dark ocean, “But what is there to live for, if you never should have existed?”

Waves slapped noisily at the ship’s hull as dawn broke. Then, a hushed voice responded from behind him.

“You can live for yourself, and spit at fate along the way,” Marco said, sharp blue eyes staring intently at him through the gloom.

Ace jerked away off the ship’s rails and turned around sharply, embarrassed and a little unnerved that he didn’t hear the First Division Commander come up to him. His mind backtracked to what he said out loud, and he groaned internally. Great, another moment of weakness that Marco has seen, and only a month after the night he’d finally caved and decided to join the Whitebeard Pirates.

Outwardly, the teenager tried for a carefree grin. He knew the other man wouldn’t trust it, though.

“Don’t worry about it, Marco, it’s nothing.”

“That’s not the kind of thing I’d call _nothing._ What’re you thinking so hard about, yoi?”

“Seriously, don’t mind me, that just slipped out. You’re on your morning rounds?”

“Yes, I am. But don’t change the subject. When words spill out like that, maybe they want to be heard …”

“Marco, enough. I get you’re concerned, but really, this isn’t something I want to bother you about. You can continue on your way or whatever, I’ll be fine.” Ace threw in a quick laugh for good measure.

Marco grunted, and walked forward, turning his eyes to the maroon breaking over the horizon. He stepped forward until he could lean on the railing to Ace’s left. His fingers drummed softly on the wood. He waited.

Many minutes passed as Ace stared at Marco’s calm side profile, slowly illuminated by the rising sun. Then, he gazed up at the flag far above their heads that declared the ship as home to Edward Newgate and his children. More minutes passed. Finally, Ace sighed, a whisper of a sigh that spoke of hesitance. But it also sounded like the breath of a diver before he began a long descent. So, Marco stopped tapping out his favorite shanties and turned his head towards Ace with an open face.

Ace met his eyes briefly, then glanced back across the water.

“How many babies have you helped deliver, Marco? You must’ve, as a doctor, right?”

The commander raised his eyebrow at the non sequitur, but hummed thoughtfully, chewing over the numbers in his head. “Probably around ten only. That’s not exactly my specialty. I’m more of a first aid expert. But when I did, they were usually messy affairs. Childbirth isn’t really a pretty process, yoi.”

Ace snorted. “No, I guess not. But did all ten deliveries go well? Baby and mom made it okay?” His voice flattened with the last question.

Marco straightened up completely. Choosing his words carefully, he responded, “Childbirth is regarded as a miracle by many, but it’s also one of the most natural and common events in the world. Isn’t that dichotomy interesting? Similarly, the birth of a baby is at once something to be celebrated, but also contains its fair share of pain and suffering.

“Out of the ten births I helped, two mothers did not make it. Life on the seas is hard, and complications can arise at the worst times. One mother was already injured before her contractions began, but she held on two more days to welcome her daughter into the world with a lullaby, before joining her husband in death.”

Marco gently dabbed tears from his cheeks before continuing.

“The second mother was in her mid-50s, and was surrounded by her other two children when she died shortly after giving birth. Her spouse had to say hello to a new life and goodbye to her dearest companion in the same day.”

The man paused in his recollections, breathing out a great whoosh of air. Ace had slumped further forward as Marco’s words washed over him, until his cheek was pillowed on his arms, face turned away from Marco. The commander listened carefully but didn’t hear any sniffles other than his own.

The two pirates let the silence sit solemnly between them. Life on the seas was certainly a difficult one.

“Marco,” Ace eventually started, “I killed my mom by being born. So, I can’t do something as nice as living for myself or spitting at fate, because that’s like spitting on my mom for choosing to die for me. But I also can’t forfeit this life to get her back. So I’m left feeling like I’m living through a non-existence, and there’s not really anything I can do about it.

“Sometimes—” Ace whispered, “—sometimes I hate my mom so much I can hardly stand it. How dare she push this burden on me, how dare she leave me alone with this heaviness … how could she or those two mothers you helped ever think their children would thank them for the love they received in their first minutes or days, when they’d never remember it? A lullaby? A complicated delivery that leaves the survivors with nightmares? How could they think that was enough for us, that it’s enough to live for?”

Now the crying began, choking up his words so much so that Marco had to shuffle closer to hear clearly.

Ace continued, sobbing, “But no matter how much hatred rises in me, I always come back to how she must have loved me so so _so_ much, to carry me for so long and to fight to bring me into this world! And I love her so much even though I can’t remember her beyond what I dream! She’s my mother, and she loved me. So what am I supposed to think?? What am I supposed to do?? My mind keeps going around and around like this, and it leaves me so tired. I spend hours some days, just laying down and thinking and thinking—”

A hand settles feather-light onto Ace’s shoulder, above his tattoo mark. The teenager stifles another sob before lifting his head slightly and turning his head left to reveal his broken expression. Marco silently takes in the patchy, snotty face of his new crewmate and brother. He uses his right hand to push Ace’s shoulder so that the other man is standing a bit straighter and facing him fully. Then, Marco opens his arms and closes the distance to wrap his arms firmly but gently around the other man’s torso.

Neither of them can see the other’s face, but Ace’s freezes, uncomfortable in his vulnerability, while Marco closes his eyes and squeezes the hug tighter.

“Thanks for sharing that with me, Ace,” he murmured. “It’s been really hard on you, huh, yoi?

A shaky nod bumped Marco’s shoulder.

“Okay. Let’s think about it this way. When Pops one day dies—” Ace startled violently in his embrace, but Marco just shook his head and continued to hold him, “—as we all know he will—is the fact that he so clearly lived and died for his sons supposed to mean our lives are now meaningless? That by dying, he would be stripping our lives of love, of purpose, of happiness?”

“No!” Ace vehemently spat out. “But you all know he loves you!! And we’d all have each other besides. When I was child, I had no one for so many years.”

Marco pulled back to look Ace in the eyes. He frowned at the downcast murkiness he saw. The man should’ve been glowing in the early morning light, but instead seemed to suck in the light around him.

“Then, let’s try a different scenario, yoi. Is there anyone you love so much you’d happily give your life up for them?”

“My little brother, Luffy.” Marco knew this would be the immediate answer. Ace’s eyes gleamed any time he mentioned the brother he’d left behind in East Blue.

“Yes, Luffy. But if you ever had to leave him for good, would you ever want Luffy to think that all the love you’ve given him as you raised him, as you’ve traveled these seas … would you ever wish for Luffy to stake his entire life’s existence on the love he received from you?”

Ace’s nose scrunched up as his whole body recoiled at the thought.

“I’d never tie Luffy down like that! It’s not the same, though, I only raised him a little. I’m not the reason he’s alive.”

Marco laughed ungracefully. “I disagree, yoi! From your stories, you’ve saved him a great many times from people and wildlife alike. You love him, so he was able to grow up well.”

Ace muttered contrarily but didn’t argue further.

“Ace. Ace, listen closely to me.” The teen tensed as Marco’s hands clasped his shoulders gently.

“I choose to believe your mother did love you, as you say, yoi. Just, she faced a situation where the choice was for her to die and leave you behind, or die and take you with her. If it were you and Luffy, this wouldn’t be a choice at all … And if your issue is that you don’t think this life is worth living without her, then I ask you to think of Pops, me, your siblings, Luffy, and all the people you’ve met in your life … because of your mom loving you, you exist. Because you exist, we can enjoy the warmth you bring. And we can try returning that warmth. Isn’t that worth it, in the end? Don’t you think that’s what your mother would have wanted for you?”

Ace’s eyes welled up again, but didn’t spill over. He gave two small, quick nods, stepped away from Marco’s hold, and then leaned forward to rest his arms on the ship railings once more.

Ace sighed softly, “Yeah, I think I know what you mean.”

He looked over his shoulder, and smiled a tiny smile. “Thanks, Marco.”

The older man just raised one shoulder in reply.

The sounds of the rest of the ship waking up finally reached their ears, trickling into the quiet that had surrounded them since Marco had approached Ace. The commander turned away to continue his morning rounds, but glanced back to check on Ace one more time. He met his gaze and shook his head in reassurance to let Marco continue.

Ace would be all right.


End file.
